Angela Barnett
Writer. Wig Wearer. Speakerupperer
recent posts
- Are You A Useless Cook? Well, Punch The Air Darhling, The World Needs You.
- Jealousy Is Love And Hate At The Same Time. And It’s Totally Stink.
- If Long Term Relationships Were Explained on First Dates We Might All Be Serial Daters.
- Since When Did My Boobs Turn Into A Couple Of Envelopes?
- Darling I hope you don’t mind – we’re having shrivelled penis for dinner.
about
Author: Angela Maree Barnett
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WARNING: IF YOU HAVE AN EATING DISORDER THIS POST COULD BE TRIGGERING. WARRIOR ON. I knew Amy Winehouse battled drugs and booze. We all did, no thanks to the relentless hounding she endured from the paparazzi. I did not know she had bulimia for 10 years. Along with millions of others I blamed her thin, puffy-faced…
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Rarely do I get passionate about media stories. Our Prime Minister pulling hair? Mildly annoying. George Clooney’s wife has another life? Meh. A young Australian girl became a media star because she had brain cancer and got over it by changing her diet, convincing thousands to buy her app or book, and it turns out it…
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THIS IS MARRIAGE: You’re not recycling the yoghurt pottles? They don’t count. Bad example throwing them in the rubbish! Bad example nagging me about it! I don’t nag. I hate being called a nag. I know. Don’t call me a nag. OK. But don’t hassle me. [pause] I can’t believe we’re arguing about the recycling. We’re not…
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“Mummy, do you and Daddy play when Bob and I are at school?” asked the ‘Dactyl recently. Swallowing my stifled snort, I looked upon her little face and wondered if she wanted the truth. Did she want to hear that on Thursdays, after Mummy and Daddy have waved goodbye to the Piha bus, we race…
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An ex-lover asked me the other day what it was like having children. It’s so tempting to screw with people before they become parents–just mentioning ripped perineum or baggy labia can put them off for years. I managed to contain myself. “I never knew I could feel such extreme love AND irritation,” I told him.…
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“That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all week,” said the 22-year-old, when she heard we were going to Eminem. My workmate—who we call The Youth—is gorgeous and smart and real and hip but 43-year-old mothers at Eminem was not that funny was it? Surely. It was not funny when we drove past the stadium and…
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“It makes you out to be a dirty hoe,” said the Dimple, when he analyzed a piece of my art, fresh from storage. We have moved to Piha beach, which, for my US peeps is like choosing Sausalito instead of San Francisco, except it’s not fancy so probably not like Sausalito but more like Carpinteria.…
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ADMITTING TO A DISORDER IS NOT AN ORDERED THING TO DO. Getting my teeth cleaned a few months ago, I had a strong urge to ask the hygienist if she could see any evidence of my dirty little secret. Never having confessed to a dentist before I told myself it was ridiculous. She’s not interested…
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I remember the day my world shattered. Six years old, living in Pakuranga, Auckland and my brother informed me that the Easter Bunny, Santa AND the Tooth Fairy were all big fat lies. What, you mean the Tooth Fairy doesn’t use children’s teeth to make grand pianos? Devastating. The stories would last far longer with…
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What happens when you take a family who have been living amongst Redwood Trees for three years and plonk them in Las Vegas? You blow their minds. That’s what. After saying our sad goodbyes, we finally left the woods and drove for two days to Vegas. Arriving at The Strip at night was bedazzling. Unbelievable.…
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I always thought the Day of the Dead (Dia de Muertos) was an excuse to wear devastatingly evil make-up. Sure, I knew it had something to do with being dead—that’s why the make-up looked better at night—until I was told by our six-year-old what it really was. The annual Mexican tradition is a chance to…
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Always leave on a high. That’s what Great Aunt Hazel advised when I was a young strumpet. ‘No matter how great the party, leave at the peak, don’t wait until it’s all over.’ It’s a tough motto because what if there’s another fabulous conversation to be had, witty line to inhale or person to flirt…
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Before summer, we asked the ‘Dactyl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said, after marrying her brother—which alarmed us slightly—that she wanted to “stay home and do nothing like Mummy.” Crikey. Nothing? That worried me more than wanting to marry Bob. “Best you get a job,” said the Dimple. “Inspire your…
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We may live and work in an altruistic hippy dippy summer camp for children—in Mendocino County, where it’s totally normal to order a hemp latte—however one hour in the opposite direction is Willits, a small town described on a large sign as The Gateway to the Redwoods. It’s also the gateway to another fine specimen…
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Anniversary Dates have so much pressure on them to be incredibly, stupendously romantic they often implode. A girlfriend told me recently, “I have cried more on anniversary dates than I have kissed!”. Usually, she said, out of sheer disappointment because she built up expectations so high no one human being could possibly fulfill them. Guilty.…
Angela Barnett 