Angela Barnett
Writer. Wig Wearer. Speakerupperer
recent posts
- Are You A Useless Cook? Well, Punch The Air Darhling, The World Needs You.
- Jealousy Is Love And Hate At The Same Time. And It’s Totally Stink.
- If Long Term Relationships Were Explained on First Dates We Might All Be Serial Daters.
- Since When Did My Boobs Turn Into A Couple Of Envelopes?
- Darling I hope you don’t mind – we’re having shrivelled penis for dinner.
about
Category: Uncategorized
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I get it. Showing a hint of breast gets attention. You certainly got my attention because I love breasts, I have a couple myself. And you probably didn’t want to show a full breast as you knew you’d get slammed so you went for the underdeveloped one. That breast and girl are so young, so…
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“I think you’re beautiful,” said Wilbur. “Well, I am pretty,” replied Charlotte. “There’s no denying that. Almost all spiders are rather nice-looking. I’m not as flashy as some, but I’ll do. I wish I could see you, Wilbur, as clearly as you can see me.” “Why can’t you?” asked the pig. “I’m right here.” “Yes,…
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Dear Google, Apple and Amazon I’m confused. You have cosmetic surgery apps targeting children as young as nine. Have your respective Boards secretly married into the Kardashian clan or has Donald Trump been having a word about creating more anxiety and unrest and bigotry in the next generation? One of the games, called Plastic Surgeon, lets you get eye lifts, nose jobs,…
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The only thing I regret about 2015 is not sorting out the three hairs on my chin. I can’t remember when they sprouted but they are dark and boingy and not something any smooth-faced person wants anywhere near her chops. When we lived in California I went to a laser doctor who promised smooth baby-bottom…
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He’s always been on my list. Ever since I saw his performance at the Secret Policeman’s Ball. That mix of bird’s nest (screw you hairdressers) hair, eyeliner, stovepipe pants and effeminate sexual energy (screw you and you and you) was mesmerising. Here’s what Russell Brand and I have in common. We were both born in the…
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This was the best gift a mother can pass on. The unwavering firm belief that no matter what that rascal camel does: spit, stomp on your toes, run off with your wallet, you will be OK and figure out what to do. Because you always do.
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We think we do things for others, to help others, but most of the time we’re honestly helping ourselves. We’re looking for a way to feel more alive, more connected and not just another cog. It’s the best kind of selfish.
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WARNING: IF YOU HAVE AN EATING DISORDER THIS POST COULD BE TRIGGERING. WARRIOR ON. I knew Amy Winehouse battled drugs and booze. We all did, no thanks to the relentless hounding she endured from the paparazzi. I did not know she had bulimia for 10 years. Along with millions of others I blamed her thin, puffy-faced…
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Rarely do I get passionate about media stories. Our Prime Minister pulling hair? Mildly annoying. George Clooney’s wife has another life? Meh. A young Australian girl became a media star because she had brain cancer and got over it by changing her diet, convincing thousands to buy her app or book, and it turns out it…
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THIS IS MARRIAGE: You’re not recycling the yoghurt pottles? They don’t count. Bad example throwing them in the rubbish! Bad example nagging me about it! I don’t nag. I hate being called a nag. I know. Don’t call me a nag. OK. But don’t hassle me. [pause] I can’t believe we’re arguing about the recycling. We’re not…
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“Mummy, do you and Daddy play when Bob and I are at school?” asked the ‘Dactyl recently. Swallowing my stifled snort, I looked upon her little face and wondered if she wanted the truth. Did she want to hear that on Thursdays, after Mummy and Daddy have waved goodbye to the Piha bus, we race…
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An ex-lover asked me the other day what it was like having children. It’s so tempting to screw with people before they become parents–just mentioning ripped perineum or baggy labia can put them off for years. I managed to contain myself. “I never knew I could feel such extreme love AND irritation,” I told him.…
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“That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all week,” said the 22-year-old, when she heard we were going to Eminem. My workmate—who we call The Youth—is gorgeous and smart and real and hip but 43-year-old mothers at Eminem was not that funny was it? Surely. It was not funny when we drove past the stadium and…
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“It makes you out to be a dirty hoe,” said the Dimple, when he analyzed a piece of my art, fresh from storage. We have moved to Piha beach, which, for my US peeps is like choosing Sausalito instead of San Francisco, except it’s not fancy so probably not like Sausalito but more like Carpinteria.…
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ADMITTING TO A DISORDER IS NOT AN ORDERED THING TO DO. Getting my teeth cleaned a few months ago, I had a strong urge to ask the hygienist if she could see any evidence of my dirty little secret. Never having confessed to a dentist before I told myself it was ridiculous. She’s not interested…
Angela Barnett 