Angela Barnett
Writer. Wig Wearer. Speakerupperer
recent posts
- Are You A Useless Cook? Well, Punch The Air Darhling, The World Needs You.
- Jealousy Is Love And Hate At The Same Time. And It’s Totally Stink.
- If Long Term Relationships Were Explained on First Dates We Might All Be Serial Daters.
- Since When Did My Boobs Turn Into A Couple Of Envelopes?
- Darling I hope you don’t mind – we’re having shrivelled penis for dinner.
about
Category: Uncategorized
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“Did you know cougars pounce on hikers?” I asked the Dimple, one night in bed. I was reading Bill Bryson’s A Walk In The Woods where he claims, ‘Mountain lions (cougars), especially in northern California, have been known to snack on passing cyclists, joggers, hikers and even the odd unsuspecting person enjoying a BBQ.’ The…
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Dear ‘Dactyl (daughter). Loud. That’s what the midwife said when you first popped out. So loud, apparently, the maternity ward hadn’t heard a newborn yodel like it in months. I refused to put a label on you – so soon – however, after your brother started to say, “Girls are loud, aren’t they?” your Father…
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Dear Shaun Apparently, you can get a gun quicker than a book out of the library, in some US states. Everyone we know here – all five friends – have told us to get a handgun, for protection. After a visit at 2am from a carload of drunken rednecks (down our 8 mile windy driveway)…
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Modern day witches – Wiccans – care about the environment, recycle, grow herbs, believe in karma and only buy organic, local produce… sound familiar? Just about everyone we know could be one. After centuries of being ridiculed, burnt at the stake, banished and drowned, witches everywhere must be relieved they’re finally in vogue – because…
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Dear Susan In the interests of remaining mysterious, I may have been remiss with some facts. You’re not the only one to ask whether we live in a teepee. My expectations had been lowered to a ramshackle cabin – thanks to a game the Dimple likes to play called Wind Her Up – so I…
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Dear Tracy Broken, according to Ruth the gardener, is the state of many who first come here. ‘Camp heals people,’ she mused, alarming me. You’ve known me longer than any other friend – I don’t need fixing do I? Oh, the heels of my feet resemble dried mangos and the Dimple has a gammy knee…
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Dear Dad You made me believe I was good at mathematics and chemistry. Academically, you convinced me I could achieve anything, thank you. Great job. However, there’s one area where you failed – you didn’t tether me to a field and force me to play sport. I’m about as agile as a footstool; my arms…
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Dear Son. I see you go up to strangers and say ‘a pool fell on my head’ and they look at you sideways. I know what you mean. A droplet of water fell from the tree and landed with a plop on your head didn’t it? I know your every move and watch you try…
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Dear Justine. The Virgo in you wouldn’t like the distance required – one hour over a dusty, windy road – to get fresh supplies; I know how you are about expiry dates. Fortunately, the Gemini in me likes to dabble in the-day-after-the-deadline to get my kicks. Plus I know if I get sick there will…
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Dear Olivia Remember when we were in Zambia and became obsessed with helping the street kids? We felt guilty about our safe, warm, upbringings in lovely houses. Guilt, I’ve always thought, has been a driving force behind philanthropic behaviour. Rich cats shed cash to charities and relieve themselves of a few kilos of greedy guilt.…
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Dear Steph. I was relieved to read you’re studying other women to figure out whether they look older or younger than you. I’m doing it too. It must be a turning 40 thing as we never used to care how old we looked – except when we wanted to get into clubs at 16. It’s…
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Dear Carmel My favourite children’s book at the moment is Piggety Wiggety Jiggety Jig by Diana Neild. Terrible title, but great rhyme, and there is a line at the beginning about, ‘His Mum very proudly looked after their nine (piglets) and would finish the day with a small glass of wine.’ Every time I read…
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Dear bro. We might be in California, the most plastic of all states but Mendocino County is full of happy, healthy hippies: wrinkles smile everywhere, living off the grid is normal, the organic supermarket is the same size as the big chain one and salons offer Bio-Energetic Sensitivity & Enzyme Therapy Massage. It’s even legal…
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Dear Mum. We’ve shifted to a magical paradise. A beautiful river with deep mermaid swimming holes twists through our home, there’s a wooden playground, swing bridge, ducks, flying fox and apple orchard. We’re in Mother Nature’s private garden but I suspect she’s having a good chuckle watching me deal with the critters. Surly black vultures…
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Dear Ax Hey you. I am at Camp America, just like you thought. Except extract the rich kids and input ghetto kids in your imagination. These children come from tough worlds; one girl was sent home because of bullying and was picked up in her father’s SUV that had just been nailed with 18 bullet…
Angela Barnett 