Wine makes life more exciting. The taste, the boisterous conversations, the unbuttoning of inhibitions, and the superior dance moves. Then there’s cooking with wine—as my Great Aunt Hazel likes to say, “one glass for the meal, one for the chef!” These were my thoughts in April as I battled the idea of giving up for a month. You see, I’m not … More To Wine Or Not To Wine. That Is My Question.
Dear Special K, When I was growing up my Mum loved you. She was the kind of woman who fancied herself in a red swimsuit. One piece of course. But sadly she battled her body most of her life and she never got that swimsuit body. You knew for years that it’s not sex that … More I Don’t Want My Daughter To Be Pretty. I Want Her To Be Pretty Smart.
I used to think Glass Half Empty thinking created an empty, negative life but lately I’ve been thinking that’s a load of bollocks. … More What If The Pessimists Are Right?
Last year, Paula Penfold asked me to share my bulimia story for a TV show and I said, “Sure, but do I have to tell my story? How about I help find other people’s stories.” That felt better. I didn’t want my story put up for people to rip down, especially on national television. Recently I went … More The Worst Diet Ever Invented Is About To Get Its Ass Kicked.
I get it. Showing a hint of breast gets attention. You certainly got my attention because I love breasts, I have a couple myself. And you probably didn’t want to show a full breast as you knew you’d get slammed so you went for the underdeveloped one. That breast and girl are so young, so … More News Flash! Nymphs Are Out, Strong Is The New Beautiful.
People comment about how old women look all the time, “Oooh she’s aged.” As if getting older is something we should sort out. As if it’s a failure on our part. Crikey, not the dreaded oldness! Not the ageing and passing of time. Why are you not doing something about that? It’s OK to get wiser but please don’t … More Oh Puhlease, Not The 45-Year-Old Selfie. Yuck.
“You’re not my soul mate!” That was the line that stopped the party. My friend looked at her husband and smiled, while we all held our breath. If he wasn’t her soul mate then who the feck was? “I have many soul mates,” she said. “You’re my mating mate!” We all breathed a sigh of … More Can We Please Stop Talking About Soul Mates?
“I think you’re beautiful,” said Wilbur. “Well, I am pretty,” replied Charlotte. “There’s no denying that. Almost all spiders are rather nice-looking. I’m not as flashy as some, but I’ll do. I wish I could see you, Wilbur, as clearly as you can see me.” “Why can’t you?” asked the pig. “I’m right here.” “Yes, … More Why, In Exactly 810 Words, Everyone Should Read Charlotte’s Web To Their Daughters. And Sons. And Nieces. And Nephews.
He’s always been on my list. Ever since I saw his performance at the Secret Policeman’s Ball. That mix of bird’s nest (fuck you hairdressers) hair, eyeliner, stovepipe pants and effeminate sexual energy (fuck you and you and you) was mesmerizing. Here’s what Russell Brand and I have in common. We were both born in the … More I See You Russell Brand And Holy Smoke, You See Me Too.
The only thing I regret about 2015 is not sorting out the three hairs on my chin. I can’t remember when they sprouted but they are dark and boingy and not something any smooth-faced person wants anywhere near her chops. When we lived in California I went to a laser doctor who promised smooth baby-bottom … More The Tragedy Of Getting Old Is That You Still Feel 28 In Your Head.
Recently I caught a taxi to the airport at 5.20 am. A woman greeted me when I jumped in and my first thought was not charitable. You’d better get me there on time. She dithered over the direction, there was fog, and she went around every corner as if a dragon was waiting just out of … More A 57-year-old Fijian Taxi Driver Showed Me I Am A Sexist Git
Oscar Wilde said once that children begin by loving their parents and after a time they judge them and “rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.” Sometimes I wonder what my children will complain about to a therapist later because there will be something I do that drives them nuts. No matter how much we … More If Unconditional Love Came In A Pill We’d All Be Incredible