The only thing I regret about 2015 is not sorting out the three hairs on my chin. I can’t remember when they sprouted but they are dark and boingy and not something any smooth-faced person wants anywhere near her chops. When we lived in California I went to a laser doctor who promised smooth baby-bottom … More The Tragedy Of Getting Old Is That You Still Feel 28 In Your Head.
Recently I caught a taxi to the airport at 5.20 am. A woman greeted me when I jumped in and my first thought was not charitable. You’d better get me there on time. She dithered over the direction, there was fog, and she went around every corner as if a dragon was waiting just out of … More A 57-year-old Fijian Taxi Driver Showed Me I Am A Sexist Git
Oscar Wilde said once that children begin by loving their parents and after a time they judge them and “rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.” Sometimes I wonder what my children will complain about to a therapist later because there will be something I do that drives them nuts. No matter how much we … More If Unconditional Love Came In A Pill We’d All Be Incredible
WARNING: IF YOU HAVE AN EATING DISORDER THIS POST COULD BE TRIGGERING. WARRIOR ON. I knew Amy Winehouse battled drugs and booze. We all did, no thanks to the relentless hounding she endured from the paparazzi. I did not know she had bulimia for 10 years. Along with millions of others I blamed her thin, puffy-faced … More Bulimia’s A Demanding Bitch, Whatever You Do Don’t Invite Her To A Dinner Party.
Generosity doesn’t come easily when we’re young. Not giving a shit being our first form of defence in the sandpit when Matilda has the bucket we want. And so we hit Matilda over the head with a spade. First shit not given. Many more shits to come. Once we graduate into teenagers we can’t give a shit … More Nobody Told Me That Giving A Shit Makes You Happier Than Not Giving A Shit
Looking at Vanity Fair with a girlfriend recently we turned to a lipstick ad where half the face was obscured and juicy red lips sat provocatively apart. “Why do these idiots think that putting a vagina on her face will make me buy the lipstick?” said my friend. So I gave her the sad news that clever beauty … More If Only Lipstick (M)ad Men Thought With Their Other Heads.
Last week one of my favourite magazines had ‘blushing’ in their UP section. ‘Adorable,’ it said. Pffft, I thought. Blushing is only adorable in children because when an adult’s face turns into a giant, ripe tomato it shouts: UTTERLY UNSURE ABOUT THIS SITUATION! which is not helpful unless facing crocodiles. In a meeting, it’s a disaster. During my … More Blushing Is About As Much Fun As Going To Work Naked. Actually Worse.
It’s OK for mothers to marvel at the rubbish truck boy. Get all titillated by 50 shades of spanking. Want sexy lingerie. Demand a good servicing. But it’s not OK to admit, that after going to yoga, writing a report, and picking up the groceries you flicked the bean until it was time to get the … More Oh Yes I Wank. Said No Mother Ever.
Rarely do I get passionate about media stories. Our Prime Minister pulling hair? Mildly annoying. George Clooney’s wife has another life? Meh. A young Australian girl became a media star because she had brain cancer and got over it by changing her diet, convincing thousands to buy her app or book, and it turns out it … More Dear Blonde Bombshell Sociopathic Liar. It’s Not Your Fault. It’s Ours For Believing You.
I always thought I would get a boob job. It seemed justifiable with my small excuses for breasts when I was in my teens and 20’s. Strangely, thinking I was going to fix them helped me accept them: one day these puppies will be bigger. Once I even tried hypnotherapy and bought breast augmentation CDs … More Since When Did My Boobs Turn Into A Couple Of Envelopes?
Screaming, I reached down and grabbed the axe I kept stashed under the mattress, intended for intruders. Swinging it wildly I couldn’t believe how light it was and how easily it sliced off her limbs, then his, although I’m not sure you can call fingers ‘limbs’ but his were longing to go into places I … More Jealousy Is Love And Hate At The Same Time. And It’s Totally Stink.
When I was 13 I was at the back of the bike shed – cliché I know – with my friend Maria and two boys from Skate World. We were lying on the grass, kissing. Her boy undid her trousers, pulled down her knickers and poked her. Then, when he had finished having a good … More Saying No Does Not Make You Less Attractive.