How high is a High Tea I’d ask the Dimple? Would we enter another realm of consciousness and see that us mothers are all mere dust full of spinning electrons and protons floating through an ever-expanding universe? Would we be entertained by a witty speaker and feel a little high after fits of laughter? Or … More I Never Thought A Mother And Son High Tea Would Actually Get Me High.
This was the best gift a mother can pass on. The unwavering firm belief that no matter what that rascal camel does: spit, stomp on your toes, run off with your wallet, you will be OK and figure out what to do. Because you always do. … More It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Ride Your Camel That Counts.
Suddenly, two weeks into Intermediate School and I’m full of questions. What do you do in form room? How many boys in the class? How long is morning tea? It’s interval now Mum. “OK, how long is interval then? Are the big boys friendly?” Not that I want to know if they’re not. He doesn’t … More Nobody Mentioned That Having A Boy Means Your Heart Gets Permanently Beaten Up.
Nobody warns you about the swan plant and how the ratio of caterpillars to leaves is all out of whack and you go from Earthmother to Butterfly Murderer in a few short weeks. Somebody needs to put that on the packaging. … More How A Couple Of Caterpillars Turned Me Into A Butterfly Murderer.
Soon she will not want me to be visible to her. She’ll want me miles away safely not looking, not knowing, not hearing anything. I’ll cramp her style. My skirts will cramp her style. She already hates it when I get song lyrics wrong. … More I Didn’t Think I’d Miss Being Needed. Ever.
“You’re not my soul mate!” That was the line that stopped the party. My friend looked at her husband and smiled, while we all held our breath. If he wasn’t her soul mate then who the feck was? “I have many soul mates,” she said. “You’re my mating mate!” We all breathed a sigh of … More Can We Please Stop Talking About Soul Mates?
THIS IS MARRIAGE: You’re not recycling the yoghurt pottles? They don’t count. Bad example throwing them in the rubbish! Bad example nagging me about it! I don’t nag. I hate being called a nag. I know. Don’t call me a nag. OK. But don’t hassle me. [pause] I can’t believe we’re arguing about the recycling. We’re not … More It’s Not Happily Ever After, It’s Happily Hanging On
An ex-lover asked me the other day what it was like having children. It’s so tempting to screw with people before they become parents–just mentioning ripped perineum or baggy labia can put them off for years. I managed to contain myself. “I never knew I could feel such extreme love AND irritation,” I told him. … More Sons. They Don’t Hold Your Hand For Very Long But They Always Hold Your Heart.*
“It makes you out to be a dirty hoe,” said the Dimple, when he analyzed a piece of my art, fresh from storage. We have moved to Piha beach, which, for my US peeps is like choosing Sausalito instead of San Francisco, except it’s not fancy so probably not like Sausalito but more like Carpinteria. … More Life Is So Much Easier When I Don’t Think About The Fine Opinion Of Others