Soon she will not want me to be visible to her. She’ll want me miles away safely not looking, not knowing, not hearing anything. I’ll cramp her style. My skirts will cramp her style. She already hates it when I get song lyrics wrong. … More I Didn’t Think I’d Miss Being Needed. Ever.
I walked into NZ Fashion Week feeling like a fraud. I didn’t even have interesting shoes on. Aside from red lips there was nothing haute couture about me. More haute boring. Having forgotten all about my tickets to Eugénie, I’d dressed that day in shabby office, which is a little known category I’ve been cultivating since … More The Only Fashion To Wear Is Not Care.
Feminists don’t go to Eminem concerts because he does not say good things about women. Nor do Feminists speak softy. Or watch porn. And they certainly don’t yell cunt at other stupid drivers on the motorway. I can’t be a Feminist because I’ve done all these things. Sometimes I wind the window down. Here are … More Since When Did I Become A Bad Feminist?
Generosity doesn’t come easily when we’re young. Not giving a shit being our first form of defence in the sandpit when Matilda has the bucket we want. And so we hit Matilda over the head with a spade. First shit not given. Many more shits to come. Once we graduate into teenagers we can’t give a shit … More Nobody Told Me That Giving A Shit Makes You Happier Than Not Giving A Shit
Looking at Vanity Fair with a girlfriend recently we turned to a lipstick ad where half the face was obscured and juicy red lips sat provocatively apart. “Why do these idiots think that putting a vagina on her face will make me buy the lipstick?” said my friend. So I gave her the sad news that clever beauty … More If Only Lipstick (M)ad Men Thought With Their Other Heads.
It’s OK for mothers to marvel at the rubbish truck boy. Get all titillated by 50 shades of spanking. Want sexy lingerie. Demand a good servicing. But it’s not OK to admit, that after going to yoga, writing a report, and picking up the groceries you flicked the bean until it was time to get the … More Oh Yes I Wank. Said No Mother Ever.
I always thought I would get a boob job. It seemed justifiable with my small excuses for breasts when I was in my teens and 20’s. Strangely, thinking I was going to fix them helped me accept them: one day these puppies will be bigger. Once I even tried hypnotherapy and bought breast augmentation CDs … More Since When Did My Boobs Turn Into A Couple Of Envelopes?
Screaming, I reached down and grabbed the axe I kept stashed under the mattress, intended for intruders. Swinging it wildly I couldn’t believe how light it was and how easily it sliced off her limbs, then his, although I’m not sure you can call fingers ‘limbs’ but his were longing to go into places I … More Jealousy Is Love And Hate At The Same Time. And It’s Totally Stink.
When I was 13 I was at the back of the bike shed – cliché I know – with my friend Maria and two boys from Skate World. We were lying on the grass, kissing. Her boy undid her trousers, pulled down her knickers and poked her. Then, when he had finished having a good … More Saying No Does Not Make You Less Attractive.
THIS IS MARRIAGE: You’re not recycling the yoghurt pottles? They don’t count. Bad example throwing them in the rubbish! Bad example nagging me about it! I don’t nag. I hate being called a nag. I know. Don’t call me a nag. OK. But don’t hassle me. [pause] I can’t believe we’re arguing about the recycling. We’re not … More It’s Not Happily Ever After, It’s Happily Hanging On
Last Sunday morning I had one of those headaches, the ones where you need darkness, sleep and no children bouncing on your head. Hence the snap decision to hand over the iPad. When I am hungover all my rules dissipate: “Of course you can eat marshmallows on toast. You want to dip your marshmallows in … More ‘Do, or do not. There is no try.’ Unless you’re hungover.
Arianna Huffington was in New Zealand recently and she admitted to something that was appalling. Unthinkable. Outrageous. Disgraceful. “I can’t cook,” she said. How could she have missed domestic goddess on her path to global domination? To be any kind of woman over thirty these days you’re meant to know your caraway seeds from your … More Darling I hope you don’t mind – we’re having shrivelled penis for dinner.