Nobody Told Me That Giving A Shit Makes You Happier Than Not Giving A Shit

Generosity doesn’t come easily when we’re young. Not giving a shit being our first form of defence in the sandpit when Matilda has the bucket we want. And so we hit Matilda over the head with a spade. First shit not given. Many more shits to come. Once we graduate into teenagers we can’t give a shit … More Nobody Told Me That Giving A Shit Makes You Happier Than Not Giving A Shit

If Only Lipstick (M)ad Men Thought With Their Other Heads.

Looking at Vanity Fair with a girlfriend recently we turned to a lipstick ad where half the face was obscured and juicy red lips sat provocatively apart. “Why do these idiots think that putting a vagina on her face will make me buy the lipstick?” said my friend. So I gave her the sad news that clever beauty … More If Only Lipstick (M)ad Men Thought With Their Other Heads.

Since When Did My Boobs Turn Into A Couple Of Envelopes?

I always thought I would get a boob job. It seemed justifiable with my small excuses for breasts when I was in my teens and 20’s. Strangely, thinking I was going to fix them helped me accept them: one day these puppies will be bigger. Once I even tried hypnotherapy and bought breast augmentation CDs … More Since When Did My Boobs Turn Into A Couple Of Envelopes?

Jealousy Is Love And Hate At The Same Time. And It’s Totally Stink.

Screaming, I reached down and grabbed the axe I kept stashed under the mattress, intended for intruders. Swinging it wildly I couldn’t believe how light it was and how easily it sliced off her limbs, then his, although I’m not sure you can call fingers ‘limbs’ but his were longing to go into places I … More Jealousy Is Love And Hate At The Same Time. And It’s Totally Stink.

It’s Not Happily Ever After, It’s Happily Hanging On

THIS IS MARRIAGE: You’re not recycling the yoghurt pottles? They don’t count. Bad example throwing them in the rubbish! Bad example nagging me about it! I don’t nag. I hate being called a nag. I know. Don’t call me a nag. OK. But don’t hassle me. [pause] I can’t believe we’re arguing about the recycling. We’re not … More It’s Not Happily Ever After, It’s Happily Hanging On

‘Do, or do not. There is no try.’ Unless you’re hungover.

Last Sunday morning I had one of those headaches, the ones where you need darkness, sleep and no children bouncing on your head. Hence the snap decision to hand over the iPad. When I am hungover all my rules dissipate: “Of course you can eat marshmallows on toast. You want to dip your marshmallows in … More ‘Do, or do not. There is no try.’ Unless you’re hungover.

Darling I hope you don’t mind – we’re having shrivelled penis for dinner.

Arianna Huffington was in New Zealand recently and she admitted to something that was appalling. Unthinkable. Outrageous.  Disgraceful. “I can’t cook,” she said. How could she have missed domestic goddess on her path to global domination? To be any kind of woman over thirty these days you’re meant to know your caraway seeds from your … More Darling I hope you don’t mind – we’re having shrivelled penis for dinner.