When you die, Mummy, we’re going to put you in bags and eat you,” said our four-year-old. He had just seen what happened to the pigs: they arrive, we feed them, they die and come back in small packages labeled Chops, Ribs and Jowls. After seeing a dead fox last week Bob’s been obsessed with … More The Cabin
“I can’t smell the cunt!” said our daughter, feeling left out. We could all smell it. There’s nothing like the pong of freshly killed skunk. Being only two she still struggles with her ks and sks. Her parents, being only four, find it hilarious. The Dimple didn’t realize a family of skunks had built a … More I Said A Kitten, Not A Baby.
We’ve got new neighbours. They’re big, black, hairy and often scary. Ursus Americanus (Black Bears) are lurking in our woods. Bears used to hang around here but were hit hard by the recession. What with recycling and composting it’s slim pickings at Camp for food scraps these days. Word in the woods is that they … More I’m Strangely Obsessed With Seeing A Bear.
It’s over. The Murderer is dead. For once, I understand the rush media must feel, chasing a story that keeps getting more extraordinary. Crazed murderers who think they are starring in their own Rambo movie don’t come along every day – especially in your own back yard. We, the homeless ones, drifted back to Fort … More Even Murderers Were Five Year Old Boys Once.
It’s been twenty-four days since we had to evacuate our home. Never before have I heaped such violent thoughts upon a man I will never know. Our woods, dubbed Too Dangerous, are still a no-go zone. US Marshals have moved into Camp with infra-red gizmos, weapons, whiteboards and night cameras. They can confirm a cougar’s … More Middle-Class Refugees Is Our New Theme Song.
“It’s like we’re on the run except we haven’t done anything wrong,” said the Dimple, on our first night in a cheap motel. We were running, and there was a crime –shocking murder– but it wasn’t our doing. 911 called. They left a message that an armed and dangerous man was in our forest and … More You Know It’s Serious When 911 Calls.
When a couple of eight-year-old mouthy boys starting fighting around my four-year-old, I watched intently –through the camera lens– to monitor exactly when I needed to sprint over and save him. Bob, unaware the big boys could pummel him to a pancake, put a hand on each arm and commanded, ‘Freeze!’ It has been his … More Summer Of Lovin’ And Not Being A Dick.
Last summer, the Camp staff knew me as, ‘The Dimple’s Wife’. I hated it. Call me The Kooky Dancer, The Girl That Likes Math, The Enthusiast Wine Drinker but not just The Wife. As proud as I may feel to be married to the fine specimen, being defined solely as an appendage to him stripped … More Cinderella Was A Veterinarian
Before we left New Zealand, a friend of my Mother’s said, ‘You’re brave taking off to America with two small children.’ I attempted to smile, then burst into tears. I didn’t feel brave. For the first time in my life, I made a travel decision based on what was best for somebody else – my … More Forty-Year-Olds Don’t Make Friends As Quickly As Four-Year-Olds
“I’m not risking the lives of my wife and child… we’re not coming!” was our most dramatic rejection. We were having a party for our four-year-old and hadn’t planned on killing the guests before the treasure hunt. It’s our road in. People have slid off it before and dangled over cliffs. But not very often. … More Storm Party!
It’s very strange, watching your country from another hemisphere take up the evening news. Our only surreal comfort with the Christchurch disaster, was that we had our own little earthquake – 30 miles away – on the same night. Somehow it was reassuring; the long fault fingers of the Pacific Rim were stretching up to … More If Scarcity Is The Mother Of Invention Then Darkness Must Be The Father.
“Did you know cougars pounce on hikers?” I asked the Dimple, one night in bed. I was reading Bill Bryson’s A Walk In The Woods where he claims, ‘Mountain lions (cougars), especially in northern California, have been known to snack on passing cyclists, joggers, hikers and even the odd unsuspecting person enjoying a BBQ.’ The … More Honey, Is That A Cougar In The Garden?