Below are some essays of things rummaging around in my brain – to see a portfolio of published work go to stories.
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Are You A Useless Cook? Well, Punch The Air Darhling, The World Needs You.
Your kids might ask for a cake from Pak N Save every birthday but you’re not a bad mother. You’re just a baddass woman who doesn’t cook like Lucy Lawless, Ariana Huffington, and my friend Claire. And you’re a vital member of the social ecosystem.
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Jealousy Is Love And Hate At The Same Time. And It’s Totally Stink.
Screaming, I reached down and grabbed the axe I kept stashed under the mattress, intended for intruders. Swinging it wildly I couldn’t believe how light it was and how easily it sliced off her limbs, then his, although I’m not sure you can call fingers ‘limbs’ but his were longing to go into places I…
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If Long Term Relationships Were Explained on First Dates We Might All Be Serial Daters.
Relationships are challenging and if anyone tells you it’s all bliss and kisses, then they’re in the first 11 months so tell them to shut up and come back in 11 years. But I’ve finally figured out something…
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Since When Did My Boobs Turn Into A Couple Of Envelopes?
I always thought I would get a boob job. It seemed justifiable with my small excuses for breasts when I was in my teens and 20’s. Strangely, thinking I was going to fix them helped me accept them: one day these puppies will be bigger. Once I even tried hypnotherapy and bought breast augmentation CDs…
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Darling I hope you don’t mind – we’re having shrivelled penis for dinner.
Arianna Huffington was in New Zealand recently and she admitted to something that was appalling. Unthinkable. Outrageous. Disgraceful. “I can’t cook,” she said. How could she have missed domestic goddess on her path to global domination? To be any kind of woman over thirty these days you’re meant to know your caraway seeds from your…
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Oh Yes I Masturbate. Said No Mother Ever. (Let’s Fix That!)
For mothers, if you mention ménage à moi at a party, even if you’re talking about the benefits of increased circulation, reduced stress, good complexion and an energized system, people look at you like you’ve got no knickers on… Suddenly, once you’ve sexed your way into a baby, you’re not sexy if you talk about…
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Oh Puhlease, Not The 45-Year-Old Selfie. Yuck.
People comment about how old women look all the time, “Oooh she’s aged.” As if getting older is something we should sort out. As if it’s a failure on our part. Crikey, not the dreaded oldness! Not the ageing and passing of time. Why are you not doing something about that? It’s OK to get wiser but please don’t…
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When You’re The New Girl In The Village One Friend Changes Everything.
I’m sad you won’t laugh at my dancing anymore. Or make jokes about useless ex husbands. I’m sad I never made it back to Zambia to say hello again. I’m sad I never got to say goodbye.
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To Wine Or Not To Wine. That Is My Question.
In writing pieces about alcohol, I am trying to share my shame around struggling with it – I do not promote binge drinking culture and if you are struggling with alcohol addiction please take care, this might not be for you. Wine makes life more exciting. The taste, the boisterous conversations, the unbuttoning of inhibitions, and the superior dance moves.…
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How To Be A Rock Star In 2018? Don’t Even Try. Just Surprise The Dicks
We were all bewitched by Dan Reynolds who’s masculine AF yet talks about love and pain.
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Writer’s block? It could be your ovaries, try sorting the spice rack instead.
Recently I listened to Alisa Vitti’s TED talk about women’s monthly cycles and it blew my fallopian tubes apart. It shocked me so much I shared it on Facebook. It got six likes. God, I am such an influencer. But this is such a winning idea I need to share it again as I’ve had it…
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How A Couple Of Caterpillars Turned Me Into A Butterfly Murderer.
Nobody warns you about the swan plant and how the ratio of caterpillars to leaves is all out of whack and you go from Earthmother to Butterfly Murderer in a few short weeks. Somebody needs to put that on the packaging.
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When The Fear Has Gone There Will Be Nothing. Only I Will Remain.*
Last month I was invited to talk about body image on the Kathryn Ryan parents segment on Radio New Zealand. Nervously thrilled I did my homework. I googled, I watched. Reading everything I could find on The Huffington Post. I became a body image nerd. I was going to be the expert I was expected…
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Screw Skiing. And Other Things You’ll Never Be Good At.
Kate Middleton, I enjoy seeing you on duty with your princely accessory but don’t show me your regal onesie and oversized Armani goggles on the slopes. I no longer care. I like sand.
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Scoliosis my old friend, I’ve come to talk to you again.
“But,” I stammered, thinking how my back doesn’t curve in and out like a slide down a hill, but more like a rollercoaster ride sideways, “That means when I’m 80 I’ll be at right angles, I’ll need a double zimmer!” …For anyone not straight, keep reading.
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Nobody Mentioned That Having A Boy Means Your Heart Gets Permanently Beaten Up.
Suddenly, two weeks into Intermediate School and I’m full of questions. What do you do in form room? How many boys in the class? How long is morning tea? It’s interval now Mum. “OK, how long is interval then? Are the big boys friendly?” Not that I want to know if they’re not. He doesn’t…
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A 57-year-old Female Taxi Driver Showed Me I Am A Sexist Git
Recently I caught a taxi to the airport at 5.20 am. A woman greeted me when I jumped in and my first thought was not charitable. You’d better get me there on time. She dithered over the direction, there was fog, and she went around every corner as if a dragon was waiting just out of…
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I Didn’t Think I’d Miss Being Needed. Ever.
Soon she will not want me to be visible to her. She’ll want me miles away safely not looking, not knowing, not hearing anything. I’ll cramp her style. My skirts will cramp her style. She already hates it when I get song lyrics wrong.
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‘Do, or do not. There is no try.’ Unless you’re hungover.
In writing pieces about alcohol, I am trying to share my shame around struggling with it – I do not promote binge drinking culture and if you are struggling with alcohol addiction please take care, this might not be for you. Last Sunday morning I had one of those headaches, the ones where you need…
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The Only Fashion To Wear Is Not Care.
I walked into NZ Fashion Week feeling like a fraud. I didn’t even have interesting shoes on. Aside from red lips there was nothing haute couture about me. More haute boring. Having forgotten all about my tickets to Eugénie, I’d dressed that day in shabby office, which is a little known category I’ve been cultivating since…
Angela Barnett 