Nobody warns you about the swan plant and how the ratio of caterpillars to leaves is all out of whack and you go from Earthmother to Butterfly Murderer in a few short weeks. Somebody needs to put that on the packaging. … More How A Couple Of Caterpillars Turned Me Into A Butterfly Murderer.
Sometimes, when someone wants to do something physical and you’re not ready to, you’ll feel scared so you’ll say no and they’ll tell you you’re lame. They might call you frigid. They might call you tight. Well, screw them! (I mean, not literally… you know what I mean). Here’s what you need to know… … More What I Would Tell My Teenage Self About Saying No!
Your kids might ask for a cake from Pak N Save every birthday but you’re not a bad mother. You’re just a baddass woman who doesn’t cook like Lucy Lawless, Ariana Huffington, and my friend Claire. And you’re a vital member of the social ecosystem. … More Are You A Useless Cook? Well, Punch The Air Darhling, The World Needs You.
Summer Legs are not something you can buy, after you’ve picked up the tonic and strawberries. But they are thing, just for women, that we’re meant to have. And we’ve had enough hearing about them. … More Does The Idea of ‘Summer Legs’ Make You Want To Kick Something Quite hard?
We think we do things for others, to help others, but most of the time we’re honestly helping ourselves. We’re looking for a way to feel more alive, more connected and not just another cog. It’s the best kind of selfish. … More When you hit rock bottom the only thing to do is bounce.
Sometimes we’re scared to ask for what we really, really want which is crazy because what’s the worst that can happen? We get what we want. … More Tell Me What You Want, What You Really Really Want.
Kate Middleton, I enjoy seeing you on duty with your princely accessory but don’t show me your regal onesie and oversized Armani goggles on the slopes. I no longer care. I like sand. … More Screw Skiing. And Other Things You’ll Never Be Good At.
For mothers, if you mention ménage à moi at a party, even if you’re talking about the benefits of increased circulation, reduced stress, good complexion and an energized system, people look at you like you’ve got no knickers on… Suddenly, once you’ve sexed your way into a baby, you’re not sexy if you talk about masturbation, you’re just a little bit weird. … More Oh Yes I Masturbate. Said No Mother Ever.
“But,” I stammered, thinking how my back doesn’t curve in and out like a slide down a hill, but more like a rollercoaster ride sideways, “That means when I’m 80 I’ll be at right angles, I’ll need a double zimmer!”
…For anyone not straight, keep reading. … More Scoliosis my old friend, I’ve come to talk to you again.
You were in my dream last night. I can’t explain why you were in a Santa suit and I’m sorry about making your leg go to sleep but we had fun didn’t we? I know you don’t do that with all of your Facebook friends. I know I’m special. Because, dear Nikolaj, I am your special 64th friend. … More Game Of Moans.
A grubby unshaven man was standing between my knees, his right leg against mine, the classic pervert’s grey coat draped behind him. Right at eye level, small fingers held his zipper and my attention. In an instant the zip was down and he reached in like he was pulling an animal out of a nest… … More ‘Nice’ Should Be For Ice creams. Not People.
Dear Google, Apple and Amazon I’m confused. You have cosmetic surgery apps targeting children as young as nine. Have your respective Boards secretly married into the Kardashian clan or has Donald Trump been having a word about creating more anxiety and unrest and bigotry in the next generation? One of the games, called Plastic Surgeon, lets you get eye lifts, nose jobs, … More Nose Jobs For Kids? No Way.